372. Deep, Joyful Connections with Holly Swenson

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Holly Swenson: 

The world needs more people to turn on their individual light and to live their truth in a way that makes a difference for humanity. And that's your gifts. They're going to vary. Everyone has different gifts. And so don't blindly follow in the footsteps of others but be brave enough to leave your own mark. I think that we can change the world one person at a time. And I believe the biggest way to start making an impact is to activate your own wellness and your own internal knowing. And then start sharing your heartfelt wisdom with others.

Dr. Richard Shuster: 

Hello and welcome to The Daily Helping with Dr. Richard Shuster, food for the brain, knowledge from the experts, tools to win at life. I'm your host, Dr. Richard. Whoever you are, wherever you're from, and whatever you do, this is the show that is going to help you become the best version of yourself. 

Each episode, you will hear from some of the most amazing, talented, and successful people on the planet who followed their passions and strived to help others. Join our movement to get a million people each day to commit acts of kindness for others. Together, we're going to make the world a better place. Are you ready? Because it's time for your Daily Helping.

Thanks for tuning into this episode of the Daily Helping Podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Richard. I'm really excited about our guest today. Her name is Holly Swenson. She is a registered nurse, an award-winning author, a wellness blogger, mother to four incredible sons, and a perpetual student of life. 

She's on a mission to raise the bar for parents and infuse more joy, intention, balance, and wellness into parenting and beyond. Even if you're not a parent, you're going to love this episode. Holly believes that learning how to tend to you before tackling life's asks and demands is the key to opening the door to thriving in life and not just merely surviving. I've been excited about this episode for a long time. Holly, welcome to The Daily Helping. It is awesome to have you with us today. 

Holly Swenson: 

Hi, Dr. Richard. Thank you very much for having me on. 

Dr. Richard Shuster: 

Absolutely. So there's a lot of fun things we're going to talk about today. I know we're going to help a lot of people. Before we do that, let's jump in the Holly Swenson time machine and let's go back and share with us what puts you on the path you're on today.

Holly Swenson: 

Sure. Yes. So thank you for the kind intro. As you mentioned, I'm a mother of four children, four beautiful boys. And for me, with my background of being a caregiver, being a nurse, I really wanted to create a framework to help parents find more wellness because for me, walking the path of motherhood, I really had to discover and unpack what that looked like for me in a more intimate way. I think when you're immersed in what it means to be a parent, you are asked to look at your life with a different lens. 

And so for me walking this path, it really was the catalyst for me sitting down and writing this book to help other parents activate more wellness, more intentionality and more joy in their life, both for them, as well as their children. I think we need more wellness in the world, and that's what's got me fired up. 

Dr. Richard Shuster: 

Awesome. And I love this. We alluded to the book in your intro. I know you've won awards for the book you've written, but we don't have the title. What's the book called? 

Holly Swenson: 

It's called Stop, Drop, Grow and Glow. And what I love about this is my framework is actually in my title. So I wanted to create something that was easy to remember and easy to lean on when parents need it the most. 

Dr. Richard Shuster: 

All right. So Stop -- so let's go through it. Stop, Drop. We'll start with the Stop. 

Holly Swenson: 

Okay. Yes. So Stop is really learning to stop and do some self-assessment and reflection on where you are to date. I think doing some internal gazing on what is going well, as well as anything that isn't going well, and beginning to cultivate more self-awareness, more curiosity, and consciousness on your journey is really something of benefit. 

And I think as parents, oftentimes you don't give yourself the grace or the time to stop and check in with your own heart and see, like, how am I doing, not only as a parent, but how am I doing as an individual? And am I striking the balance? Am I feeling nurtured? Am I feeling happy, healthy and like I'm showing up like I want to. So that's just kind of a quick overview of what Stop is about. 

The second part of my book is Drop. And Drop is about learning to drop any drama, trauma or personal past lived experiences that are keeping you from living in the now. By engaging with this, you allow yourself to be more present in your own life and for your family. So this step is very freeing when you allow yourself to go there. And sometimes this is work that you can do on your own, self-navigate. But other times, it can be valuable to lean on a licensed therapist or a life coach to help you shed skins that you no longer wish to wear. So this is some deeper work but I think that when you're stuck in a place that is keeping you from living in the now, you're not showing fully. And so that's why I think it's really important to go there for yourself. It's really a gift you're giving yourself. 

And then as we move into Grow, this is about learning to lean on habits that are going to help you expand as a parent. So this can be diet, mindfulness, exercise, prioritizing sleep, also reducing substance in your life, if that's something that you feel like you need to put some effort into. And then I also talk about thanking your children for all that they teach you. I think as parents, we are teaching our children every day. But our children are also teaching us and they're showing us where we still have work to do or they're constantly teaching you in ways that are so invaluable. And I think they teach you things that you would never learn have had you not stepped into parenthood. So I also think it's so important to give your children a thank you for what they bring to your life. So that's the section on Grow. 

And then finally, Glow is learning to take what you've learned from my framework and start applying it to your life and living it in the world. So Glow is about being intentional on how you move through life and making time to take care of you so that you can better serve others. So I talk about self-care in this section. I think self-care should be something that happens on a daily basis and not just every now and then, or once a month or once every six months, but I think you have to become intentional in your life to take care of yourself every single day. Even if it's five minutes and that's all you have to be mindful of carving that time out for you. It's going to make you a better and happier person. I talk about the importance of date nights, of continuing to dream and continuing to learn. 

So there's a lot of layers to this. But I just really believe that you have the power to be luminous, but it takes some discipline and thoughtfulness to cultivate more of what you want, more of your glow. In your life, you have to partner with that being active participant. 

Dr. Richard Shuster: 

I really like this framework, Holly. And I think this is applicable to anybody, where really wherever they are in their stage of life, whether they're a parent or whether they're not. And certainly, you do a great job breaking this into simple language and clear and easy steps, but they're not so -- I'm not saying they're not clear and easy, but, like, Drop and you alluded to this, the Stop and having the onus to take a self-reflective view of your life and see where am I doing well, where can I be doing better? That's easy or easier. The next one is really heavy. And I'm wondering do you see these as absolutely sequential or can you kind of move? Maybe you're in Grow and then you have step back and Drop and it's kind of like you're moving back and forth up and down this ladder as they're going through this.

Holly Swenson: 

Well, I always like to leave flexibility in life. I think that life doesn't always unfold in a perfect pattern. It's as -- I think for people who really like to have that sense of control, life doesn't always unfold exactly as you want to. So it's not a perfect stepping stone, but I do think that I created this framework to kind of build on the next level. But absolutely, I mean, you might be doing some work at Stop, but then you're also leaning on Grow at the same time because you want to keep your body, your mind, your health in check. 

So it's not a perfect unfolding necessarily, but I think you're going to do the best you can. And you also might not be ready to spearhead something. So you might find some resistance on the path. So it could take you a long time to work through some of this and other things, you're going to move through much more quickly. So just give yourself some compassion for your own journey, because we all have different things that are happening in our life, and it doesn't unfold the same way for everyone. 

Dr. Richard Shuster: 

And I would certainly imagine you would agree that what might be important to you when, say, your kids are 5 is less important to you when they're 15, right? And so, as our children grow, we grow and change right along with them. So this is good stuff. And we're going to have a link to the book in the show notes so people can get their hands on it. 

But one of the things that interested me when you were introduced to me was that you've got something that you refer to as the five rights of parenting. And I saw that and I kind of jumped off the page and said, I want to talk to Holly because I want to find out what that is. So share with everybody. Tell us about these five rights of parenting, how you came up with them, what they mean and let's jump into it. 

Holly Swenson: 

Okay, I love it. So the five rights of parenting were really a spinoff of my time in the hospital. So I'm formally trained as a nurse, but I haven't been working in the hospital setting for a long time since my children were born. But we had something that we practice called the five rights of medication administration, and it was a way to make sure that you were administering the medication in a way that was safe. So the right route, the right dose, the right time, that sort of thing. 

And I thought I would love to put a parenting spin on this. And so I created the Five Rights of Parenting. And so these are designed to be a quick way to touch base with yourself as you're presenting -- on how you're presenting as a parent. And they work to ensure that you're doing the right thing and not causing unnecessary harm to your child or yourself in the process of parenting. So really, I think of these as a supportive parenting protocol. 

So the first one is right now. And this is about being in the moment with your child and being present, not texting or working on three different things while your child needs you. When you show up, really show up and be all in. And if you cannot put aside what you're doing, maybe give your child a hug and set a time that just the two of you can connect when you find a place to take a break because sometimes you just literally cannot step away from what you're doing. So that's reality. But when you do show up, try to be all in. In parenting, there are no repeats and time is truly ever fleeting. So you really want to maximize the precious time that you have and live in the moment as often as possible. So that's the first right. 

The second right is the right intent. And this is about being intentional with the choices you make, the guidelines you set, and how you treat your children. If you don't know why you're doing what you're doing, it might be time to reevaluate your parenting strategy. If you're simply on autopilot and just maybe your parents the way you were parenting, but it wasn't really that effective or it didn't feel good, but you're continuing that pattern, which a lot of people, I think, do operate from that place. Maybe give yourself a minute to think about like am I being as intentional with what I'm saying, with how I'm behaving, does this feel good to me, does it feel good to them? So give yourself a minute to maybe check in and maybe reframe things if you feel like it might be healthier way to engage with your child moving forward.

The third right is the right use of speech, and I believe that your voice is a tool of creation. And so you have the power to either uplift or tear down. And I think that this can be one of the toughest rights to implement in your home, just because sometimes you're feeling triggered. Your kids are behaving crazy, and you just forget how to use your kind words. So you want to try to speak with mindfulness and if you forget, apologize. We're only human, but I think sometimes we forget the power of apology. 

And so I really just, I think I want to drive that home for people that you are not always going to show up the way you want to and parenting will push all of your buttons. And so I think you can role model, you have an opportunity to role model that when you do make a mistake that you connect and you say, you know what, I'm so sorry. I did not show up the way I meant to, can we try that again. Or something to that effect of showing your humanness and also teaching your kids how to make reparations when that might be called for. 

The fourth right is the right use of power. And I think that it's really important to wield your power with care as a parent. You're the one responsible for setting boundaries, for discipline, and you ultimately have the final say on whatever issue may arise along the 18 years that you're blessed to have your children under your roof. And so you really don't want to abuse this power and you want to be intentional in the framework that you set for your child. So check in with yourself on how you are activating this power in your home and make sure that you are on par with what you really are meaning to do and boundaries that are being set.

And then finally, the fifth one is the right use of love. And for me, this is by far my favorite right. I think that love is the cure for all that ails us, parenting and beyond. And I think this right should be used as many times a day as you can aspire to. Letting your child know how much you love them and are there for them will plant their spirit in deep rich soil as they grow. And you want to give your love freely and without expectation. Your child will likely mirror the love you give them. But I always say, as they're getting older, as they're hitting the teenage years, they might not share it back as much as you hope they will, but they are receiving that love and it's making a difference. 

Dr. Richard Shuster: 

These are terrific and we could spend an eternity talking about each of them. A couple of them, though, I kind of piqued my curiosity. So right intent, right use of power, both of these really rely on you to have that introspective piece and say, well, this is why I'm doing it, this is why this rule exists, this is why I'm structuring things the way they are. And your child might be like, nope, don't buy it. That's not right. What if you're wrong? Are there checks and balances with your spouse, with friends? Like, how do you -- because like you said, you might be parenting just because of the way your parent parented you, and that's the way their parent parented them, and going on and on generationally, but it's not the optimal way. So, what's your take on that? 

Holly Swenson: 

Well, I think it's hard because I -- the one piece I think is hard is that I don't know if there is a right way to parent. You know, each family is different, each dynamic is different. And so I think what I would say is check in with yourself and check in with how your family life is going. If you're feeling like there's a lot of drama, tension, disharmony in your home, that might be an indicator that things aren't as good as they could be. And so that might be like a wake-up call or a red flag to go a little deeper and maybe find external resources to help you bolster habits or patterns that aren't really serving you or your kids. I think that's kind of the first check in of like are things in my house feeling pretty harmonious or not? So I think there's that level of self-awareness that comes into play. 

Also, I think in terms of like right intent and right use of power, I think sometimes -- one thing I talk about in my book too is reaction versus response. And I think sometimes like if you're in a heated moment, maybe allowing yourself a moment of grace in terms of like taking a deep breath. Maybe you count to four before you open your mouth and speak if you're having a hard moment with your child or your spouse. 

And so I think, like I said, I think this is really you getting under your own hood and getting honest with yourself about how things are feeling. How are you feeling? How are your kids feeling? How are they showing up? So I think you have to get curious and I think you have to dig a little deeper here. And it's different in each home and that's what's hard to really, like, say it's this or it's that because what works for one family might not work for another family. So you have to kind of fine tune your own existence. 

Dr. Richard Shuster: 

Well, that makes perfect sense. And there is no one size fits all for parenting of course. I'm wondering, though, have you seen instances where this is even more powerful when there's a collaborative element when you have two parents who are on their own journey in exploring their own five rights, but then coming together and say, okay, as a unit of parenting, can we do this better? 

Holly Swenson: 

Well, I think collaboration is always key for success. Especially when it comes to a family dynamic, I think that when you open those lines of communication, so from spouse to spouse, but also from parent to child, when you open those lines of communication and have that collaboration mindset, I think you are going to foster a healthier dynamic. And I think that's true at home. I think it's true in the workplace. I think it's true in the world. Like when you have an open mindset and you're willing to talk through things, I think if you're wanting to kind of quickly shut things down, you might hit some more speed bumps.

And so I think trying to keep collaboration in mind is definitely something that will offer tremendous support for everybody involved. Because like you said, I mean you're always evolving as a parent, as a child. It doesn't stay static. And so that's kind of the tricky thing with parenting. You might have it totally dialed in one week, but then your child has grown and changed and shifted. And so you're like, okay, well, what was working last week isn't working this week. So you have to keep that growth mindset and you have to be willing to keep shifting in parallel. 

Dr. Richard Shuster: 

I love that. I've seen instances where people are really good parents at a particular stage. But then the next stage, not so much. Right. And it's this kind of evolution with you and the kid. So I want to go back to something you said. I know you're known for this. This is an area where you have some expertise. Response versus reaction. Let's take a little deeper dive into that. 

Holly Swenson: 

Yes. So I think that when you can lean on response more than reaction, you're going to be able to navigate parenthood with a little more poise. So reaction is instinctual and can be easy to ignite when you're raising your kids because it's what's there waiting for you. And I think for a lot of people, it's an easy go to. But the reality is that reaction is not thought out or really a very helpful way to redirect what's in front of you. You're kind of shooting back to your child what they're offering. So I think it's important that you don't join in their emotional tornado. I think you have to choose to rise above and let them have their emotions. That's very normal for kids to feel emotions in a strong way, but you have to be the adult, and I think hold space for them, but don't rise -- don't drop to their level, so to speak. So you have to learn how to be there and hold space, but not join in that emotional chaos. 

I think that parents often have to make snap decisions and they don't really have the luxury to think about how to optimally reply to a request, an action or a naughty behavior. And I think that for people in that moment of feeling overwhelmed that they might say something or set consequences that they might later regret. 

So I think I would offer that if your typical approach to your child having a tantrum is to scold them or kind of get big with your emotions, consider stopping, giving them a hug and getting quiet. And I offer that because a lot of times when kids are acting up or acting out, it's kind of a call for your attention, not always. But I think a lot of times if you can soften your edge, it actually helps them to soften theirs. 

And I think what happens is that you both will actually benefit from a softer place to land, but we haven't been taught that. It's like, hey, you do what I say or else, it's kind of that's -- these older generations, that's we've done. That's what we keep kind of passing on. And I think that we can do better for ourselves and for our children, because it's going to foster healthier relationships. It's going to make you feel more confident and make you feel more comfortable in your own skin. 

And so in terms of response, response is more considerate and thoughtful in nature. You stop and process before you open your mouth. And this is a game changer. Response takes more work, more patience, both with yourself and with your children. And the reality is that when you remember to respond, it allows you to process, remember your manners, your intent, and your leadership skills as a parent, which is really important. And I also think that responding allows you to move forward in a healthy and dynamic way. It's going to ultimately improve your social skills and allow for more self-awareness, self-regulation, and empathy. 

Dr. Richard Shuster: 

This is great stuff. I want to -- I'd be remiss if I didn't bring it back here because you mentioned it in the very beginning, we've kind of set the table for how you can be introspective, how you can learn to respond and not react. Part of being a good parent is finding that space for yourself. And self-care has become, especially since COVID, I think it's really become almost a buzzword, which is problematic because it's so important. So you're a nurse. You've seen the physiological results of what happens when people don't take care of themselves. Talk to us from the perspective of Holly Swenson about self-care. 

Holly Swenson: 

Yeah. So what I've really found to be true as a parent is that self-care is the secret sauce in parenting. I think if you want to truly thrive, you can't leave self-care out. If you're tending to your heart and your personal wellbeing on the regular, it makes it a lot easier to joyfully care for others. If you're running on empty, you're not showing up for others in a way that always feels good. You might be crabby. You might be irritable. You're like I haven't been able to work out. I haven't been able to -- I haven't been feeding myself good food. I haven't been getting sleep. I have -- there's all of these factors that play into your wellness. It's not just one thing. 

And so if you can make some shifts in your life to factor you into the equation, you're going to be a lot more successful on all levels and you're going to be a more loving parent. I mean, I just -- that is what I found on days that I can't make enough time for myself. I feel it and that energy flow is in your home environment. So what I've really found and fine-tuned is that I make self-care a priority daily and I would consider that as well. Go ahead. Sorry. 

Dr. Richard Shuster: 

I didn't mean to cut you off. I'm curious how much time, and I know it can vary on average, do you spend on self-care? 

Holly Swenson: 

Yeah. So some of my go to’s that I've really incorporated into my life as I do a morning meditation, and I usually do that before my children, my family get up because I like that. I love early morning energy personally. So I usually sit for about 20 minutes. Sometimes it can be 45 if I get up extra early. But I just -- I give myself a moment to get grounded to practice my gratitude, to put just good energy and thanks out into the world. And for me, it feels very nourishing. And then when my children come downstairs, I'm ready to receive them. 

And so that's a morning practice that I do almost every day. There are some days that I don't get to it, but most days I do. And then I also try to get an hour, at least an hour of exercise. So whether that's going to the gym, going to hot yoga, going for a hike, or just getting out for a walk. Those are two of my like very regular practices. They keep me really feeling at my best. 

Dr. Richard Shuster: 

One of the things that people talk about is when they're a parent, and they're pursuing their own hobbies, people might perceive that as being selfish. But to a point you made earlier right now, right, and one of the five rights of parentings, the more you scratch that itch, if you pursue your personal interests, if you exercise, whatever it is that lights you up inside, the more you do that, the more you're going to feel like you're missing out, right? The more present you're going to be with your own kids. So you're actually a better spouse, a better parent, better everything when you engage in self-care. 

So I'm grateful that we were able to spend a little bit of time talking about it. So this has been fantastic, Holly. I've loved our conversation. As you know, I wrap up every episode by asking my guests this one question, that is, what is your biggest helping, that one most important takeaway you'd like somebody to walk away with after hearing our conversation today?

Holly Swenson: 

Sure. I love this question. I think I will say, to activate your unique gifts and then share them with the world. I wrote Stop, Drop, Grow and Glow to be of service to parents everywhere. And what I found is that in being of service to others, it has really changed my life from the ground up. And for me, one of my gifts is promoting wellness and intentional living for parents and children alike. 

And becoming an author has opened doors that never would have opened had I not been brave enough to put pen to paper. And so I think to share with your listeners that the world needs more people to turn on their individual light and to live their truth in a way that makes a difference for humanity. And that's your gifts. They're going to vary. Everyone has different gifts. And so don't blindly follow in the footsteps of others but be great enough to leave your own mark. I think that we can change the world 1 percent at a time. And I believe the biggest way to start making an impact is to activate your own wellness and your own internal knowing, and then start sharing your heartfelt wisdom with others.

Dr. Richard Shuster: 

So beautifully said. Holly, where can people find out more about you online and learn about everything that you're doing? 

Holly Swenson: 

Sure. So my website is liveyourglow.live and you can find my book on Amazon, Barnes Noble, anywhere you buy your books. It's also available on Audible and anywhere you buy your audiobooks to jumpstart your wellness journey. And I'm also on Instagram at @HollySwenson_LiveYourGlow. And if you want to podcast or collaborate, I'm in. Just reach out. 

Dr. Richard Shuster: 

Perfect. And we'll have everything Holly Swenson in the show notes at drrichardschuster.com. Holly, I love the conversation. I hope everybody exercises their five rights because it's important. This was a treat. Thank you so much for coming on the show. 

Holly Swenson: 

Thank you very much, Dr. Richard. 

Dr. Richard Shuster: 

Absolutely. And I want to thank each and every one of you as well, who took time out of your day to listen to this conversation. If you liked it, if you're inspired, if you're going to go jump into some self-care right now, go give us a follow and a five-star review on your podcast app of choice, because this is what helps other people find the show. 

But most importantly, go out there today and do something nice for somebody else. Even if you don't know who they are and use the hashtag #MyDailyHelping in your social media feeds. Put it out there because the happiest people are those that help others.